Reading Francis

I have been blessed a few times over recent months by people I know who have asked my advice on whether to say something that might be emotionally risky to people they love. As I’ve listened to them describe the situation and what they want to express, I found myself asking a question that I probably should ask myself more often: Who is this for, really?

Here’s what I mean: If what we want to say is really driven by our need to get something that upsets us off our chest, then we’re saying this for us. If what we want to say is driven by wanting to help our loved one(s) change course, it’s about them. And if it’s about showing some third party that we won’t be silent, then it’s about those other people.

That distinction ends up mattering a lot, I’ve found. 

When I’ve spoken just to soothe my conscience, more often than not I find that I end up pushing the person I’m leveling with farther away from my position, rather than drawing them in. So if success is defined as changing the mind of the other, I’ve failed. If success is making myself feel better, I succeed in the short run (though most of the time, the other person responds in a way that just gives me something else to be upset about).

When I really want someone to change course, I have to be a lot more empathetic and, frankly, strategic about what I say. Knowing that in most situations, people can tune out someone with whom they don’t agree, I have to decide on a way forward that underscores the positives in the person I’m addressing and the value I put on our relationship, if I’m going to have any luck getting them to take my concerns seriously. And I also have to be ready not just for a declaration but a conversation about how we move forward. It takes a lot more emotional energy to talk with someone for their sake than it does to spout off for my own.

I’ve realized that there is a third option, speaking up so that others can hear me. I know this gets labeled dismissively as “virtual signaling” sometimes, though I also know folks with groups like Equality Florida and CAIR and the ADL who say that speaking up, even in a way that doesn’t change someone’s mind, is far better than silence in the face of aggression, for instance. Usually, though, the way you speak when you’re trying to appeal to third parties doesn’t help you change the person you’re directing your words to.

I told my friends, and will tell you, that I don’t have a “right answer” for whether and how to speak up on things that upset you. I do think, however, that answering the question, “Who is this for, really?” has a big influence on the way I approach things and the outcomes I expect.